


Jee-Jeeves and the case of hic-hiccups

by who_is_small



Category: Jeeves & Wooster
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-13
Updated: 2010-02-13
Packaged: 2017-10-07 05:35:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/61928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/who_is_small/pseuds/who_is_small
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was supposed to be a 100 words drabble *facepalm* for <a href="http://random-nexus.livejournal.com/"><strong>random_nexus</strong></a> on prompt: Jeeves has the hiccups and Bertie is MUCH too helpful. The result is another enthusiastic variation on First Kiss on Piano Bench. Random, I hope it amuses you slightly *hug*. All remedies come from site <a href="http://www.musanim.com/mam/hiccup.htm">250 Cures for Hiccups</a>. Fantastic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jee-Jeeves and the case of hic-hiccups

It was a quiet Sunday afternoon in London W.1. Gentle rays of late summer sun alighted on the flickering leaves of one of the lime trees in Berkeley Square. A sunbeam tackled a passing squirrel, slid through the window of a flat in 3A Berkeley Mansions and rested on a surface of a spoon, balanced on the nose of a dark haired man.

The sunbeam thought the spoon balancing act was a little peculiar - but then again, even the British have to go nuts once in a while, right? He might get a few laughs out of it yet, before leaving this island for less conservative places.

The sunbeam wriggled happily and jumped into the fair hair of a worried young man, who was bustling around, piling objects on the table.

There was a wet washcloth, ice-bags, apothecary bottle with yellow crystals exuding a nasty smell, lighted candles, marshmallows, mint leaves, jars of honey, mustard and dill pickles and a whole regiment of water glasses of various sizes, half of them already empty.

„Right," said Bertie Wooster, frowning at a bundle of papers wildly scribbled over with notes. „I have telephoned all the chaps from the Drones club. Aunt Dahlia was happy to interrogate her household. And I sent for some medical texts to the library. The result is here, Jeeves - 250 reliable methods on how to get rid of the dratted hiccups, sworn on by half of London and Worchestershire, and one of them is bound to work!"

Jeeves hiccuped dejectedly and the spoon fell off.

„Si-_hic_-sir," he tried after a while, watching Bertie measuring water into a wine glass, „I believe the water method already showed as unrelia-hic-ble."

„Ah, but not this one, Jeeves," chirped the young man cheerfully, picking a drinking straw with nervous long fingers. „Now, quickly drink eight ounces of water through a straw while sealing both ears by pushing on the tragus."

„Si-_hic_-sir?!"

„Ah, well, yes. Dash it, you do not have a beard. It would take too long to grow one now, I suppose. And how does one push on a beard, anyway?"

„I believe that the au-_hic_-thor meant a small pointed eminence of the external ear, situ-_hic_-ated in front of the concha, and projecting backward over the meatus," said Jeeves absent mindedly, „But I have to confess, sir, that this does not sound very scienti-_hic_-fic to me."

„Blast it, Jeeves" said Bertie admiringly, „You really do know everything! I stand amazed."

Jeeves preened a little, but a fresh round of hiccups made him dispirited again. He sat on the piano bench gloomily.

„So, what have we done so far," Bertie took a pencil from behind his ear and started to scratch out notes. „Balancing objects on nose, yes. Breathing into a paper bag, yes. Inhaling smoke from candles, likewise. Eating extremely sour and sweet things, right-ho. Drinking water with a touch of sulphur, yes. Drinking water slowly from a glass covered with a napkin, yes. Drinking water while holding breath with nose pinched closed, yes. Holding breath for ten seconds; then, without taking another breath, drinking water for ten more seconds, done. Drinking water with spoon in the glass, handle touching top of tongue, done. Drinking fresh tea while me slowly massaging your temples, done twice."

He paused to get a breather and to smile.

"Drinking water while standing on head, you refused to do that. Slurping water while exhaling and then burp, you refused to do that as well. Turning left wrist clockwise until palm is facing outward; from that position, picking up a glass of water and taking three sips over wrist, you said you were not thirsty anymore. _Really_, Jeeves."

Jeeves gave him a Look.

„Right-ho," Bertie snapped his fingers. „Scientific methods! Let us see what the library came up with." He grabbed a slim leather bound book and flicked over a few pages. „Nasopharyngeal airway insertion," he read, „is believed to work by stimulating the Vagus Nerve. Slide a well-greased length of thin, flexible rubber tubing through one nostril to the point where it just barely touches the back of the throat-"

_„NO, Sir."_

„Er, right." Bertie clapped the book closed and gingerly pushed it as far away on the table as possible. He shuffled his notes.

„Let us see the wise advice of Barmy Fotheringay-Phipps then," he said at last. „Stand on a chair in a crowded room and shout, ´I have the hiccups!´. Well, well, well. How unorthodox. I suppose I could rally round the chaps to crowd the room-"

„No, si-_hic_-sir."

„No. I did not think you would like that. Erm. Back to the water method, then?"

„I doubt that I am capable -_hic_\- to ingest more fluids, sir."

„You are probably right. It´s funny how most of these methods include water. I would have thought the blighted affliction would drive one to resort to stronger stuff by now."

„I am in-_hic_-clined to agree, sir."

„But still, we have to try something, right-ho? Now, this one looks promising. Take 26 small sips of water, breathing between each one, and not focusing on the hiccups. HA, Jeeves! A psycholo-thingy! Right up your alley, what?! So, here is the glass. Remember: DO NOT FOCUS ON THE HICCUPS."

Jeeves, still sitting on a piano bench, brought the glass near his lips resignedly and raised his eyes, which encountered wide opened, excited baby blues of his employer, staring at him eagerly from scarcely two inches distance.

_„Do not focus on the hiccups, Jeeves,"_ whispered Bertie encouragingly. _„Give them not a single thought!"_

Jeeves watched the dear, well known face, and gentle curve of hopeful smile lightened by a playful ray of light.

He swallowed thickly and put the untouched glass on the top of the piano. „I believe, sir," he said, „that there is one other method we have not tried yet." And with that he breathed in deeply - just like a man breathes in before the plunge from the top of the cliff - closed his eyes and pressed his mouth against Bertie´s.

One minute later, the two men separated with pink cheeks and dizzy expressions.

„They are gone, right?" whispered Bertie smilingly.

„Who is gone?" whispered Jeeves back, blinking slowly.

„The hiccups."

„Oh. It seems so, sir."

„What a relief."

„Indescribable, sir."

„They could come back, though."

„Prevention is called for, si-mmmm."

„….."

„Mmm-sir?"

„…?..."

„…loath though I am to interrupt our exceedingly pleasurable… mmmm… exertions…"

„Is that what they call it nowadays, Jeeves."

„…I really have to avail myself of the bathroom facilities, sir. The amount of water…"

„I see. Do you want me to accompany you?"

„_No_, sir."

„Just in case the hiccups returned, I mean."

„No, sir. You are too kind, sir. However, if you were to wait for me on the chesterfield…"

„Right-ho."

„I shall be back with great haste, sir."

Bertie watched Jeeves´s back, touched here and there by a lone curious evening sunbeam, until they disappeared in the door. Then he weakly collapsed on the chesterfield with glazed eyes and a smitten, slightly stunned grin.

„So much more corking then nasopharyngeal airway insertion," he whispered to himself after a while. „That is for bally well sure."

And as Jeeves opened the door again and made his way to the chesterfield with soft light shining in his eyes, the sun finally set to catch its forty winks.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Just in case anyone´s interested in more schmoop: [**Jeeves and the Literary Labyrinth of Love**](http://who-is-small.livejournal.com/9409.html). And something funny by lots of authors: [**The Jooster Diaries**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/67372). Cheerio :)


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